Why?
So, I have been wanting to write this since the Labor and Delivery post, but just like it took me awhile to actually get that one up, here I find myself again with trying to find the time.
After the delivery, I was pretty much in bad shape. The delivery did not go at all how I expected or hoped. It was very hard and painful and the recovery was not easy. I even got an infection after I was home from the hospital that I had to take antibiotics for. Thankfully, here I am a couple days past two weeks out, and I am feeling pretty good. Not 100%, but pretty close.
After the delivery not only was I in physical pain; but I was dealing with a lot of emotional pain as well. One of my prayers throughout my pregnancy was to have an easy, uncomplicated delivery… ya know… that everything would go smooth. Plus, I had a number of people praying for me during the delivery that everything would go well. So… when afterwards came and it didn’t go “easy and uncomplicated” and more so a complete 180 from that, I was really just distraught. I didn’t understand WHY? Why, did I have to go through such a rough delivery, and Why did I have to be in so much pain afterwards? In talking with Jeff, I said, “This was a constant prayer of mine and others were praying for me, that I really feel like God answered and His answer was NO, and I don’t know WHY?” Why would God answer “No” to that prayer? Why do I have to be in so much pain? I was just an emotional wreck… and let’s just say, hormones probably had some part in this as well!
So, then comes Wednesday morning (the morning after we were discharged from the hospital) and we had to take Cole to the Dr’s for a checkup. As we were sitting in the Dr’s office, the news was on, and as we watched, this was our first hearing of the earthquake in Haiti. (I know… we really need to watch the news, right?) Right then and there, I lost it (again). Now, instead of the pity party I had been sulking in, I felt guilty for being so selfish. Here I was upset, because it was uncomfortable to sit in a chair at the Dr’s office and thousands of others had lost their life in an instant, while others were homeless and without food or water. Talk about reality check.
In a recent book Jeff and I had read, it talked about how we as Christians often try to pray our way out of circumstances, instead of asking God what he wants us to learn “in” the circumstance. Jeff reminded me of this, so I began to pray and ask God what it was he was trying to speak into my heart through this circumstance.
Friday approached and I had to go to the Dr. I could tell something was just not “right”. The Dr’s confirmed I had an infection and that they would give me antibiotics, however, if they didn’t help, the stitching may need to be opened and the infection cleaned out. Here I found myself again wanting to ask WHY? I tried my best not to. Saturday as I was able to catch some time to myself and spend some quiet time with God, he clearly spoke to me. You know, when something comes into your head, and you have no idea how it got there? Anyway, as I was praying I clearly heard “Will you walk through the fire for me?” I knew that it was from a song, but at the time I could not place any other words to it. And I just kept hearing over and over, “Will you? Will you walk through the fire” Wow… so how do you respond to that, other than yes. At that moment, I totally felt a peace that came over me. Ok, so I have an infection… Ok, so they might have to open the stitching… Ok, it might take longer to heal… I am ok with this. Peace. Later, I found the song that the lyrics went to – Ginny Owens “If you want me to”
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
Wow… overwhelmed! Not saying this is the case for all our “Why’s” but for me and this time, it was truly to “bring me closer to you”. Thank you Jesus!
As I was going through this I also had some awesome answers to prayer that were huge! When Cole was born, he had air pockets in his chest cavity and fluid in his lungs. I was initially told I would not be able to even hold him for the first 24 hours of his life. They didn’t want any “stimulating” activity. They also had told us if he wasn’t able to fill the air pockets on his own, that they may need to put a tube in his chest. I prayed hard for that little man and many others did too. Thankfully, at about 9:00pm that evening (only 8 hours post birth) they asked me if I wanted to go nurse him. What? I can go nurse him? You said I couldn’t even hold him… heck yea; I want to go nurse him! He was recovering, breathing on his own; they were decreasing the oxygen he was receiving every hour. Funny… I didn’t ask God “Why” he answered that prayer, I just Thanked Him.
So, for me, I will do my best not to ask Why of God, but instead ask Him what He wants to teach me, and through it all – Give Thanks!
1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18
16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Labor and Delivery
It all started on Saturday evening January 9, 2010 at about 9:00pm. I started having regular contractions that were about 7 minutes apart. I had been having contractions all week in the evening, however, when I would do something else than what I was doing when they started (usually sitting on the couch… checking fb! Ha Ha) they would stop. This time was different though… I was doing different things, and they kept coming… and they were stronger than the ones I had been having as well. At about 11pm I told Jeff I thought this was it and he said, “OK… I’m going to bed” My thoughts… (WHAT? Are you serious???) I decided I would try to go to sleep and see if they kept coming. I think I was able to doze off a bit in between here and there, but some of them kept waking me up. Finally, I had one at about 2:00am that about kicked me out of bed it was so strong. This IS it, I thought! They were about 5 mins apart so I thought I would get up and see if they continued. They kept coming… and they started to get more regular. At about 3:45 I woke Jeff up and told him this was it, and that he had to start getting ready. He packed the car, got dressed, ate some cereal and then… lay back in bed and provided meaningless entertainment! The nerve! : ) I am glad he was able to rest as I paced the bedroom in pain! Finally at about 5:00am, I told him we had to go now. They were getting to the point that I couldn’t talk through them and had started to come at about 3 minutes apart.
We got to the hospital - literally a mile away - and waited for the resident on duty to come and check me. As he got there, I was in the middle of a contraction and the Dr said, “Before I even check you, I am going to say you are in labor”. Ya think? So he checked me and I was 5-6 cm dilated. Woo Hoo! I was admitted at 5:45am! They hooked me up to the IV and did blood work, and naturally as soon as I got in bed, they started to slow down again. Then one of the nurses came back and said that my platelet count was low and that they might not be able to do an epidural, they would have to do more blood work to see. (Ha – me… with no epidural… yea right!) So, they drew more blood and we waited. Meanwhile (at about 6:45) my Dr. who was on call until 8 came in and checked me. She was like; maybe if you are at 9, we’ll just break your water and do it, without the epidural… (Ha! Ok!) Thankfully, she checked me and said I was still a 6; Whew – time to wait for the epidural! Luckily, the testing came back with positive news and I was able to get the epidural. I got the epidural at 8:20 and then at about 8:50 my Dr. that was now on call came in and broke my water. At 9:50 I was checked again and was only 7 cm… ugh!!! Just kept waiting… At 11:05 my nurse asked if I felt any pressure to push or anything, frustrated, I said no and wasn’t expecting that I had progressed much and that they would have to give me pitocin. She checked me, and as she is checking me she asks, “You don’t feel pressure to push”? Nope! Well, come to find out, I was at 10 cm. Since I didn’t have the urge to push we waited some. At 11:50 I started pushing… and pushing… and pushing, to no avail. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything and the baby wasn’t moving down much. At 12:15, I started pushing with the tug-of-war style with the Dr. I had heard about this technique, but hadn’t ever used it. Again, not much success, and it was much more draining on me than regular pushing. I was able to move the baby down some, and it was then that the Dr. was able to tell that the baby was posterior (face up… not the “natural” position to be in for birth). I went back to regular pushing, but the baby was not budging. The Dr. asked if I wanted some help, as he could tell I was fading (who wouldn’t be… I had been up since 2 am) so, I said sure. The Dr. said he would do a forceps delivery. I signed a waiver for a forceps delivery and possible c-section. I knew once he added the possible c-section to the waiver that he was not confident that he was going to be able to get the baby out. Let’s just say, from that moment on, it was not pretty. It was very painful, there was a lot of screaming and yelling (both me and the Dr.), and a lot of tearing. The Dr. got the head out, and then the shoulders were squared, and there was a lot more screaming, yelling and tearing, to get the shoulders adjusted to get out. Jeff was sitting in a chair behind the army of nurses and every now and then would shout, “You’re doing great”. Later, he described it as the most disturbing thing he has ever seen in his life.
At 1:07pm Cole Beckham was born!!! 8 lbs 2 ozs and 21 inches
Cole was grunting when he was born, so he was immediately taken to the nursery to be checked out. He had fluid in his lungs and also pneumothorax, air that had leaked into his chest cavity from burst alveoli. They had to put him on increased oxygen and they put him on an IV. He also had to receive antibiotics.
He had to remain in the nursery until about 5:00pm the following day. I had to go down and nurse him, and every time he nursed, they decreased his IV some, until he was completely off of it.
I was finally all stitched up shortly after 2:00pm. I asked the Dr. how many stitches, and he said, “lots”! Nice! He said that with all the tearing and stitching that I basically had a vaginal c-section. The nurses also said that Cole’s XL chest and shoulders hadn’t helped in that matter much and that there was no way he would have come out without the forceps.
At about 5:00 the nurse wanted me to get up and get in the shower. I got up and went in the shower and as soon as I got in there, I knew I was going down. I pulled the cord, the nurse came in, and I said, “I’m going”… then I passed out! They had to use the smelling salt to wake me, and then they got me back into bed for a couple more hours!
We had to stay in the hospital for at least 48 hours so Cole could receive his antibiotics. We were discharged and came home on Tuesday January 12th at about 4:00pm.
We got to the hospital - literally a mile away - and waited for the resident on duty to come and check me. As he got there, I was in the middle of a contraction and the Dr said, “Before I even check you, I am going to say you are in labor”. Ya think? So he checked me and I was 5-6 cm dilated. Woo Hoo! I was admitted at 5:45am! They hooked me up to the IV and did blood work, and naturally as soon as I got in bed, they started to slow down again. Then one of the nurses came back and said that my platelet count was low and that they might not be able to do an epidural, they would have to do more blood work to see. (Ha – me… with no epidural… yea right!) So, they drew more blood and we waited. Meanwhile (at about 6:45) my Dr. who was on call until 8 came in and checked me. She was like; maybe if you are at 9, we’ll just break your water and do it, without the epidural… (Ha! Ok!) Thankfully, she checked me and said I was still a 6; Whew – time to wait for the epidural! Luckily, the testing came back with positive news and I was able to get the epidural. I got the epidural at 8:20 and then at about 8:50 my Dr. that was now on call came in and broke my water. At 9:50 I was checked again and was only 7 cm… ugh!!! Just kept waiting… At 11:05 my nurse asked if I felt any pressure to push or anything, frustrated, I said no and wasn’t expecting that I had progressed much and that they would have to give me pitocin. She checked me, and as she is checking me she asks, “You don’t feel pressure to push”? Nope! Well, come to find out, I was at 10 cm. Since I didn’t have the urge to push we waited some. At 11:50 I started pushing… and pushing… and pushing, to no avail. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything and the baby wasn’t moving down much. At 12:15, I started pushing with the tug-of-war style with the Dr. I had heard about this technique, but hadn’t ever used it. Again, not much success, and it was much more draining on me than regular pushing. I was able to move the baby down some, and it was then that the Dr. was able to tell that the baby was posterior (face up… not the “natural” position to be in for birth). I went back to regular pushing, but the baby was not budging. The Dr. asked if I wanted some help, as he could tell I was fading (who wouldn’t be… I had been up since 2 am) so, I said sure. The Dr. said he would do a forceps delivery. I signed a waiver for a forceps delivery and possible c-section. I knew once he added the possible c-section to the waiver that he was not confident that he was going to be able to get the baby out. Let’s just say, from that moment on, it was not pretty. It was very painful, there was a lot of screaming and yelling (both me and the Dr.), and a lot of tearing. The Dr. got the head out, and then the shoulders were squared, and there was a lot more screaming, yelling and tearing, to get the shoulders adjusted to get out. Jeff was sitting in a chair behind the army of nurses and every now and then would shout, “You’re doing great”. Later, he described it as the most disturbing thing he has ever seen in his life.
At 1:07pm Cole Beckham was born!!! 8 lbs 2 ozs and 21 inches
Cole was grunting when he was born, so he was immediately taken to the nursery to be checked out. He had fluid in his lungs and also pneumothorax, air that had leaked into his chest cavity from burst alveoli. They had to put him on increased oxygen and they put him on an IV. He also had to receive antibiotics.
He had to remain in the nursery until about 5:00pm the following day. I had to go down and nurse him, and every time he nursed, they decreased his IV some, until he was completely off of it.
I was finally all stitched up shortly after 2:00pm. I asked the Dr. how many stitches, and he said, “lots”! Nice! He said that with all the tearing and stitching that I basically had a vaginal c-section. The nurses also said that Cole’s XL chest and shoulders hadn’t helped in that matter much and that there was no way he would have come out without the forceps.
At about 5:00 the nurse wanted me to get up and get in the shower. I got up and went in the shower and as soon as I got in there, I knew I was going down. I pulled the cord, the nurse came in, and I said, “I’m going”… then I passed out! They had to use the smelling salt to wake me, and then they got me back into bed for a couple more hours!
We had to stay in the hospital for at least 48 hours so Cole could receive his antibiotics. We were discharged and came home on Tuesday January 12th at about 4:00pm.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Say 8... say 8... Happy 8 day
Well... for those of you who know of Brian Regan, I am sure that title rings a bell... for those that don't, I will give you a brief explanation. Brian Regan is without a doubt our favorite comedian, and one of his sets include a trip to the ER. Anyway, when the ER people ask him what level his pain is, he goes through this whole debate with himself as to what to say. He decides to say "8", then is happy with his decision after he gets good drugs and therefore when going thru the ER yells out... Say 8.... say 8.... Happy 8 day....
So, not nearly as funny as watching him, but now you have a bit of history. Today was my "Say 8" day. I have been fighting an upper respiratory infection for a couple weeks now, and have had little relief from it. I have had head congestion and a very severe heavy cough. Last week I started having discomfort in my back/side area when I would cough and would have to hold my side. It progressively got worse, and this morning when I woke up I couldn't even take a deep breath without the pain making me feel like I was going to drop to my knees.
I went to the ER by orders of my OBGYN and after a loooong wait, the Doctor diagnosed it as a fractured rib. Apparently, this is pretty common in prego's because there is no room for the lung to expand when you are coughing, that somethings gotta give. There is not much they can do to treat it. I just have to let it heal. I am ok, if I am not moving, but moving pretty much irritates it, not to mention I still have the cough that makes it hurt too.
Oh... and when the ER lady asked me to rate my pain... I said...9! : )
So, not nearly as funny as watching him, but now you have a bit of history. Today was my "Say 8" day. I have been fighting an upper respiratory infection for a couple weeks now, and have had little relief from it. I have had head congestion and a very severe heavy cough. Last week I started having discomfort in my back/side area when I would cough and would have to hold my side. It progressively got worse, and this morning when I woke up I couldn't even take a deep breath without the pain making me feel like I was going to drop to my knees.
I went to the ER by orders of my OBGYN and after a loooong wait, the Doctor diagnosed it as a fractured rib. Apparently, this is pretty common in prego's because there is no room for the lung to expand when you are coughing, that somethings gotta give. There is not much they can do to treat it. I just have to let it heal. I am ok, if I am not moving, but moving pretty much irritates it, not to mention I still have the cough that makes it hurt too.
Oh... and when the ER lady asked me to rate my pain... I said...9! : )
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