Why

Why?

So, I have been wanting to write this since the Labor and Delivery post, but just like it took me awhile to actually get that one up, here I find myself again with trying to find the time.

After the delivery, I was pretty much in bad shape. The delivery did not go at all how I expected or hoped. It was very hard and painful and the recovery was not easy. I even got an infection after I was home from the hospital that I had to take antibiotics for. Thankfully, here I am a couple days past two weeks out, and I am feeling pretty good. Not 100%, but pretty close.

After the delivery not only was I in physical pain; but I was dealing with a lot of emotional pain as well. One of my prayers throughout my pregnancy was to have an easy, uncomplicated delivery… ya know… that everything would go smooth. Plus, I had a number of people praying for me during the delivery that everything would go well. So… when afterwards came and it didn’t go “easy and uncomplicated” and more so a complete 180 from that, I was really just distraught. I didn’t understand WHY? Why, did I have to go through such a rough delivery, and Why did I have to be in so much pain afterwards? In talking with Jeff, I said, “This was a constant prayer of mine and others were praying for me, that I really feel like God answered and His answer was NO, and I don’t know WHY?” Why would God answer “No” to that prayer? Why do I have to be in so much pain? I was just an emotional wreck… and let’s just say, hormones probably had some part in this as well!

So, then comes Wednesday morning (the morning after we were discharged from the hospital) and we had to take Cole to the Dr’s for a checkup. As we were sitting in the Dr’s office, the news was on, and as we watched, this was our first hearing of the earthquake in Haiti. (I know… we really need to watch the news, right?) Right then and there, I lost it (again). Now, instead of the pity party I had been sulking in, I felt guilty for being so selfish. Here I was upset, because it was uncomfortable to sit in a chair at the Dr’s office and thousands of others had lost their life in an instant, while others were homeless and without food or water. Talk about reality check.

In a recent book Jeff and I had read, it talked about how we as Christians often try to pray our way out of circumstances, instead of asking God what he wants us to learn “in” the circumstance. Jeff reminded me of this, so I began to pray and ask God what it was he was trying to speak into my heart through this circumstance.
Friday approached and I had to go to the Dr. I could tell something was just not “right”. The Dr’s confirmed I had an infection and that they would give me antibiotics, however, if they didn’t help, the stitching may need to be opened and the infection cleaned out. Here I found myself again wanting to ask WHY? I tried my best not to. Saturday as I was able to catch some time to myself and spend some quiet time with God, he clearly spoke to me. You know, when something comes into your head, and you have no idea how it got there? Anyway, as I was praying I clearly heard “Will you walk through the fire for me?” I knew that it was from a song, but at the time I could not place any other words to it. And I just kept hearing over and over, “Will you? Will you walk through the fire” Wow… so how do you respond to that, other than yes. At that moment, I totally felt a peace that came over me. Ok, so I have an infection… Ok, so they might have to open the stitching… Ok, it might take longer to heal… I am ok with this. Peace. Later, I found the song that the lyrics went to – Ginny Owens “If you want me to”

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to
CHORUS:
Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Wow… overwhelmed! Not saying this is the case for all our “Why’s” but for me and this time, it was truly to “bring me closer to you”. Thank you Jesus!

As I was going through this I also had some awesome answers to prayer that were huge! When Cole was born, he had air pockets in his chest cavity and fluid in his lungs. I was initially told I would not be able to even hold him for the first 24 hours of his life. They didn’t want any “stimulating” activity. They also had told us if he wasn’t able to fill the air pockets on his own, that they may need to put a tube in his chest. I prayed hard for that little man and many others did too. Thankfully, at about 9:00pm that evening (only 8 hours post birth) they asked me if I wanted to go nurse him. What? I can go nurse him? You said I couldn’t even hold him… heck yea; I want to go nurse him! He was recovering, breathing on his own; they were decreasing the oxygen he was receiving every hour. Funny… I didn’t ask God “Why” he answered that prayer, I just Thanked Him.

So, for me, I will do my best not to ask Why of God, but instead ask Him what He wants to teach me, and through it all – Give Thanks!

1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18
16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.